THE TROUBLE TREE
My Grandma had a saying…. she said, “If there was a tree that everyone could hang their problems on and you could pick any one of the problems hanging on the tree you would take your own problem back.”
There is a possibility that we may be a one and done family when it comes to kids. Not because we don’t want more, but it may or may not be in the cards. Truthfully, it has taken a lot of wine-filled nights for a control freak like me to let go of something I cannot control. But, I am honestly at peace. Want to know more? You’ll have to buy the book when it comes out or pay to see the movie =)
So, I get a call from my best friend. She is expecting baby #2 and it’s a girl this time. She wanted to tell me first. She is over the moon. An unfamiliar feeling washed over me. I felt the blood drain from my face. I got these weird pangs of…raw jealousy. I saw her future and it quietly broke a piece of my heart.
I smacked myself upside the head. What the hell is wrong with me? This girl has been an unbelievable pillar in my life. She has been there for every single thing: good, bad, ugly and always had a big toothy smile and quiet laugh to get us through. We’ve never had a disagreement let alone a fight. The one time she “gets something” I don’t have I’m jealous? She is an amazing, beautiful, loyal friend married to a guy I adore. Her perfect son is my perfect Godson. Any baby born into this world should consider it winning the baby lottery to join her family (ummm, maybe excluding Maddox, Zahara and Pax – they got pretty damn lucky too).
I tried to justify my feelings. Is jealousy (not to be confused with healthy competition) a bad thing? Maybe it’s just a human thing? Maybe it makes us real? No. It’s bad. Actually, it’s terrible. Unless…unless you use it as a measuring stick for your own life to get your shit together.
Then I look in the mirror.
Beautiful, happy, imaginative daughter who wore a cat mask all day yesterday for no reason – Check
Rock solid marriage to a fantastic guy who leaves the toilet seat up – Check
Healthy me, healthy family (no small feat when you throw a heart transplant for Dad in there) – Check
Dining in Paris, lounging in Corsica, living in Salamanca, chilling in Maine, being a player in NYC, laughing with lifelong friends – Check
Check, Check, Check…
My face finally gets a little color back. I look closer in the mirror.
Big Swedish nose, an early inheritance gift from Dad – Check
A Christmas dinner that makes our house burst at the seams with family and laughter – Check
I look down at my tummy and see two tiny scars. One is from my C-Section with Chloe. The other is from a surgery six weeks after she was born. The first scar made me believe in miracles, the second made me believe in me.
I look back up at the mirror. I think to myself…if my bestie’s daughter gets married before Chloe, I’ll burn her house down. I burst out laughing. I’m back. I’m not a jealous person. I am thrilled for her happiness and will be there for every gorgeous sonogram, ohh-ing and ahh-ing over a tiny black dot that we’ll agree is gorgeous and looks just like her. I apologize to her for a fight that only happened in my own head.
I look one more time at myself and think – eat your heart out world. I imagine the tree that Grandma talked about and, as predicted, I take my own problem right back off that tree.
That Grandma, she was always right.
Written by Kristy McLellan, BuggyLOVE Co-Founder
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